MESSAGE 250
Go ahead, just spit it out!  There is no need to say 'SAY'!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 249
The door is trapped and closed -- so you can't go down.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 1
You hear the sound of the door slamming shut behind you and the bolt being
locked in place.  You are now trapped in the smelly cellar.  No wonder it
was called a 'trapped door'.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 2
Oh, sorry about that -- I meant to say 'trap' door!  Anyway, it opens
revealing a plush carpeted stairway leading down into a smelly cellar.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 248
The door is now closed and trapped.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 3
Sorry, but you can't close the bank vault until yesterday morning (a reverse
timelock.)  That's about -1000 turns away
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 4
You $VERB$ the rabbit's foot for a while, but nothing happens.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 5
But wait -- it is a letter bomb!  It blows up immediately, and you are
blasted to tiny shreds.  (Remember, no one said solving this adventure
was going to be easy or painless.)
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 247
You follow the path to the east side of the house.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 246
You follow the path to the east side of the house.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 245
A voice booms out, 'That would cause air pollution, turkey!!'
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 244
You don't need to be so negative, turkey!  It's just a game!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 243
You don't say!  I wish I could be so positive!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 242
That is very dangerous.  You could get killed doing that.  Oops!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 6
Shake, rattle and egg roll!!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 7
No matter how hard you try or what tools you use, you can't get the
!%!@ing egg open.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 8
The trees are all too stoned to allow you to go that way.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 9
Sorry, but the $NOUN$ is too far away to $VERB$.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 10
I am really glad you decided to leave the rainbow alone.  We all know how
sissy they are (oops - bad choice of words.  Sorry if I offended you.)
Anyway, I'm giving you 5 points because you avoided the rainbow!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 11
As you wave the bill, a man in a trench coat walks up to you and sets down
a pot of pot.  He says for you to pay him later.  Before you can ask any
questions, he disappears into a crowd (don't ask me how!)
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 241
Nothing happens.  (Oh well, you know how it is in this business.)
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 12
You race up the stairs at top speed.  Using you head as a battering ram, you
finally break open the trap door.  However, bashing your head against the
door has given you Excedrin headache No 47.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 13
You have to be kidding!  That is ridiculous!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 14
Sorry, but these batteries are too old and too corroded to be of much use.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 15
The batteries in your lamp are growing weaker.
They will only last for #VAR2# more turns!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 16
Sorry, but your batteries are dead and there is no way to turn on the lamp.
You could be in real trouble!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 17
Sorry, but you have no source of light!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 18
Your lamp is now shining brightly!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 19
Your lamp is now off.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 20
Rubbing the electric lamp is not particularly rewarding.  Anyway, nothing
exciting happens.  I think you must be thinking about some other adventure.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 21
Your lamp is getting dim.  You'd best start wrapping this up, unless you can
find some fresh batteries.  I seem to recall there's a vending machine in the
maze.  Bring some coins with you.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 22
Your lamp has run out of power.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 23
There's not much point in just wandering around aimlessly, and you can't
explore the cave without a working lamp.  So let's just call it a day.
Better luck next time!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 24
Come on, man -- you expect to do that with a 10000 pound sumo trying to crush
you?  Be real!!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 25
As you wisely decide to travel north, many telegrams from well wishers all
over the planet congratulate you on getting out of the Polish Maze.  It's 
taken more lives than the Royal Puzzle.  Nice job.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 26
You wander around in the maze for a while and find yourself...
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 27
The hippy won't let you pass.  He shoves a flower in your face -- which you
reject.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 28
You get ready to perform the violent act, but just can't bring yourself to do
it against this peace lover.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 29
The hippy makes a 'peace' sign by extending both his fore finger and his middle
finger in the air.  Then he lowers his fore finger.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 240
OK, $VERB$ to you, too!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 239
The hippy gratefully takes some pot, and starts to smoke it.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 238
You don't even have any pot, bucko!?
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 237
The hippy is already high.  Any higher and he'll be on the moon.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 30
Do you really expect to do that without being taxed?  Come on now!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 236
You don't really want those -- believe me!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 235
There is only one match left.  Don't waste it!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 31
You set off on the long journey south, and walk for about an hour.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 32
After a brief rest, you set off to the south and travel for a while.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 33
After a brief rest, you set off to the north and travel for a while.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 34
You muster up all the strength you have, and begin the long journey to the
north.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 234
Sorry, but you can't go that way.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 35
As you look into the mirror, the mirror shatters.  As a result, a passage to
the south is revealed.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 233
What are you some kind of weirdo??  How kinky can you get?
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 232
What are you some kind of weirdo??  That's bad luck!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 36
Come on, man -- do you really expect that he is going to let you do that when
it is dinner time.  Be real!!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 37
As everyone knows from Greek mythology or from reading Homer's Odyssey, the
original cyclops was killed by Ulysses.  The way that Ulysses killed the
cyclops was to give him wine to get him drunk and then he poked out the
cyclops' eye.  You are not that violent, you just intended to get him drunk.

The cyclops sucks up some of the juice of the grape and then crawls over into
the corner of the room and goes to sleep,
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 38
The cyclops laughs and asks, "Do you really think that I am dumb enough to be
afraid of a mere word like '$VERB$'?  What kind of dummy do you think I am?"
At that point, the cyclops proceeds to beat you to a bloody pulp.  Then he
leaves the room muttering something under his breath about "Some adventurers
are just too dumb to live to play again!"

After a very long time, you finally recover your strength.  You discover that
the cyclops has reduced your score by 10 points (a stupidity penalty).  Your
body and your ego are both bruised.  However, you are alive.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 231
The $OBJECT$ shows you his "Just Say NO" button!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 230
Sorry, but you don't have the correct tools to fix the $NOUN$.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 39
You finally manage to turn on the washing machine.  It wheerrs, bangs, bumps
and belches for a few moments and the diamond finally disappears from sight.
However, out of the bottom of the washing machine pops a lump of black coal.
The coal is quite shiny.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 229
You'll have to put it in the washer first!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 40
Ha!  Ha!  Ha!  The $NOUN$ isn't even dirty!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 41
What a bizarre idea!!  What are you -- some kind of weird cannibal?
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 42
You evil beast!  How could you even think about $VERB$ing this sweet 
creature?
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 43
You have obviously developed a demented and distorted view of life.  Probably
from playing too many adventure games.  Perhaps you should lay off those evil
things until you recover your senses and regain a more realistic perspective.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 44
As you $VERB$ the Grue, he purrs softly and licks your hand.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 45
For displaying such kindness to the infamous Grue, you get a 10 point bonus.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 46
The people just ignore you and continue eating their chili.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 47
You gobble up a couple of bowls.  You really PORK out.  It is great chili!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 48
After a while, you start to feel gaseous and you let a real smelly one rip
loose.  Unfortunately, the gas is poisonous and even you are overcome by the
fumes.  What a way to die!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 49
The sign reads: "Expiratory Distribution of Partially Ignited Hydrocarbons
into the Immediate Atmosphere Strictly Disallowed".
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 50
It is a long list of commandments.  There are many, many, many more than ten.
Your eyes scan the list and fall randomly on a commandment near the bottom of
the list.

You read...

COMMANDMENT No 12592
Oh ye who write Adventure Games that torment the player with stupid puzzles:
Dost thou know the magnitude of thy sin before the gods?  Yea, verily, thou
shalt be ground between two stones.  Shall the angry gods cast thy body into
the whirlpool?  Surely, thy eye shall be put out with a sharp stick!  Even
unto the ends of the earth shalt thou wander and unto the land of the dead
shalt thou be sent at last.  Surely thou shalt repent of thy low cunning.

You smile and nod your head in agreement and approval.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 51
You mumble the only prayer you know, 'Now I lie (sic) me down to sleep .. etc
... etc...'

The power of suggestion is obviously a very strong force with you, because
you soon fall sound asleep....

Time passes .... and finally you wake up, well rested and ready to resume
your adventure.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 52

However, you are dismayed to discover that you have been robbed!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 228
There is only one candle left.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 53
Sorry, but you don't have the proper tool to do that.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 227
You manage to dig a small hole where the X was.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 226
The hole is now considerably bigger.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 225
The hole is now gigantic.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 54
The sand is very unstable and you lose your footing and tumble head over
heels to the bottom of the hole.  You will never be able to climb back up
out of the hole.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 224
You climb down into the hole -- then with great difficulty back up.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 223
You keep slipping back down.  After a while, you give up.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 55
You begin to dig furiously in the sand.  All of a sudden, your shovel breaks
through into empty space.  The sand crumbles around the sides of the hole and
you fall into the hole.  Fortunately, enough sand fell before you did to
cushion your fall as you land on a mound of sand.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 222
The ground is too hard to dig.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 221
The pole is too slippery.  You lose your grip and fall....
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 220
The pole is too slippery to climb -- even with your tennis shoes.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 219
The rabbit won't let you pass.  He hits you several times with his cane.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 56
The rabbit is a quite a bit bigger and stronger than you are.  He easily
counters you attack by repeatedly beating you over the head with his cane
before you can do him any damage.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 57
The cane is about 3 feet long and made of ebony.  It is quite sturdy.  The
head of the cane is gold with various precious jewels.  The rabbit is holding
it by his side and occasionally shaking it at you.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 218
Sorry, but the rabbit is not about to part with his cane.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 58
The rabbit is delighted that you have returned his foot.  He puts it back
on to his hind leg and hops off into his warren.  He leaves his cane behind.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 217
Be real, turkey!  Just what kind of game to you think this is?
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 216
Be real, turkey!  Even you can't do that.  It is too heavy!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 59
You get in the boat and peacefully sail across the lake.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 60
You valiantly throw off your clothes and dive into the lake.  However, you
suddenly remember you can't swim.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 215
The boat's load is too heavy.  It was built on a budget.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 61
Sorry, but you can't get around him without getting hit by a pitched ball.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 62
You swing at the ball, and hit it solidly.  The line drive smashes the
pitcher's skull, and he slumps to the ground.  Try to be a little more
accurate next time.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 214
You fan the air ferociously, but only manage to tire yourself out.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 213
You do not have the necessary sports equipment.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 63
There is nothing under the carpet.  No trap doors!  No secret passageways!
No treasures!  Nothing!  How unimaginative!!  How dull!!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 212
The little frog hops away before you can get it.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 211
The key doesn't work.  Maybe it's the wrong key for the $NOUN$.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 210
It still says 'DEAD END', buddy!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 64
As you do so, the plug comes out of the wall, the amplifier stops working
and the band goes into shock because their music is not blaring.  They all
drop what they are carrying and run away frantically.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 209
You would look pretty silly doing that.  I am just going to ignore it.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 65
No!  You ain't gunna take it! ... No, you ain't gunna take it!  You ain't
gunna take it, no no...'
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 66
Sorry, but I can't hear you.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 67
The $NOUN$ falls down the staircase.  You can hear it banging and bouncing
as it makes its journey downward.  The sound gets weaker and weaker and
weaker.  Finally, it stops falling or is too far away for you to hear anymore.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 68
You step on to the staircase and begin to climb down.  You climb down for
a long, long time.  You are getting warmer and quite tired.  You pause to
rest.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 69
You resume your climb down.  Down and down you go, round and round you go, in
a spin, lovin' the spin you're in, under that old black magic ... called love,
etc....

It is quite warm here.  Once again, you pause to rest.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 70
You resume your climb down.  It is really getting hot here.  Once again, you
pause to rest.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 71
With the end in sight, you make one last effort to finish these !@%^&ing
stairs.  You can hardly stand the heat.  Finally, you reach the bottom.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 208
You try unsuccessfully to open the gate, but it is locked.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 72
A few moments after you ring the bell, you hear a voice cry out, "Hold your
horses, I'm coming........damn tourists..."  A little old man in a red velvet
suit appears on the other side of the gates.  He produces a key from a pocket
of his coat and unlocks the gate.

"Welcome to the 12592nd level of Hell.  My name is Fred and I will be your
guide for today's tour", he says.

"This level of Hell is reserved for Adventure game writers.  Here, we
specialize in giving these cruel people some of the same kind of torment that
they gave to those unfortunates that played their fiendish creations.  It
doesn't matter that the game players played willingly -- in their quest for
masochistic pleasures.  No!  No!  No!  Just because the victim is foolish
enough to think he or she is enjoying the experience, doesn't make the crime
any less heinous.  These wicked Adventure game writers were no better than
drug pushers preying on the mental weaknesses of Adventure junkies."

"Remember, as you tour this level of Hell that these people deserve their
eternal torment!  They are just being repaid for the misery they have give to
others.  Do not pity them.  Save your pity for their unfortunate victims!"

With that introduction finished, Fred begins the tour.  You follow him down a
long winding path.  You finally stop by the edge of a cliff.  In the distance
below you is a dark labyrinth of high thorny hedges.  In the middle of the
labyrinth, you can see two figures groping along the hedge walls.  As they
reach out to touch the hedges, they recoil in pain from touching the thorns.

Fred chuckles.  "That is Will Crowther and Don Woods.  They started it all by
writing the first Adventure game -- called simply ADVENTURE.  They are now
doomed to search in the dark through a maze of twisty little passages.  They
are trying to find the vending machine to buy some batteries for their
lantern.  They will search forever -- in vain.  A fitting punishment, don't
you agree?"

Fred chuckles again and wanders down the path to the north.  After a few
minutes you arrive at a pleasant sunny meadow.  Off to the south at the edge
of the meadow is a swampy area.  In the middle of the swamp, buried in the
mud, is a very strange sight.  A bearded man is trapped under a sleeping
dragon.  He alternates between trying to wake the dragon and trying to dig
himself out of the mud.  He continues to struggle, but to no avail.

Fred explains, "That is Scott Adams.  He wrote PIRATE ADVENTURE, 
ADVENTURELAND and many, many others.  His Adventure games were the first
written for microcomputers.  Now, he is getting a taste of his own medicine."

"Let's move on."  Fred proceeds to walk to the east.  The ground rises gently
until you find yourself overlooking a deep chasm.  On one side of the chasm
you see a man.  Directly across from him is a woman.  Both are shouting
secret words with very hoarse voices.  They continue to shout out every silly
word imaginable.  There doesn't seem to be any result from their efforts
except that their voices get hoarser.

"Ken and Roberta Williams.  They wrote THE WIZARD AND THE PRINCESS, and
KING'S QUEST I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, etc." explains Fred.  "After
they discover the correct secret word, Artichoke, they will get to ride in a 
leaky boat with no way to fix the leak."  He chuckles again.

You follow Fred as he continues on the path to the south.  You finally come
to an old house and enter through a broken window (sound familiar?).  Fred
lifts a rug, brushes aside some leaves and you both peek into a dark room
through a small grate.  Below, you see two men trapped in a brick-walled
room.  There are no doors or windows in the room.  The only exit is the grate
and it is locked on the outside.  However, even if the grate was unlocked it
would do no good, as both men are too big to fit through the grate.

"The only way out of the room is by saying the word 'Ahriman'.  Ahriman was
one of the gods of Zoroastrian mythology", Fred whispers.  "After they figure
that one out, we have some really hard puzzles for them.  They are Dave
Lebling and Marc Blank.  They wrote the ZORK series.  You know those, of
course, -- ZORK I, ZORK II, ZORK III, ZORK ZERO, BEYOND ZORK, INSIDE ZORK,
OUTSIDE ZORK, UNDER ZORK, SON OF ZORK, RETURN TO ZORK, BRIDE OF ZORK, 2ND
COUSIN OF ZORK, ZORK MINUS 47, IN SEARCH OF ZORK, ZORK'S REVENGE, ZORK -- THE
SEQUEL, THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO ZORK, NIGHT OF THE LIVING ZORK, THE
ESSENTIAL ZORK, THE NON-ESSENTIAL ZORK, ZORK TRIVIA, ZORK CONFIDENTIAL, THE
VALLEY OF ZORK, IT CAME FROM ZORK, TALES OF ZORK, THE CREATURE FROM ZORK,
ZORK UNCHAINED, ZORK OBSERVED, THE COMPLEAT ZORK, et al.  For all the pain 
they have caused Adventure game players, these two deserve some really 
terrible punishment, but there are some things that are even too nasty and
gross for Hell."

Fred puts the leaves back over the grate, puts the rug over the leaves, and
then leads you outside the house.

Fred then leads you to a cage in which three men are engaged in erasing the
print from reams of computer paper with a dried up catering-size tin of
ink erasing fluid, refolding the paper, and joining it up in 2000 sheet
lengths.

"That's Mark Welch, David Malmberg and David Betz" explains Fred.  "Their
crimes were to release adventure game creation systems, thus enabling more
and more writers to write more and more adventures.  We here in hell
estimate that thirty miles of printout per year are wasted by adventure
writers plying their evil trade.  These three work on the printouts in
the mornings, then they erase adventure files from floppy discs with a
toy magnet in the afternoon.  Evenings they spent replacing wasted
electricity by rubbing glass rods with pieces of silk (or perhaps it's
amber rods with pieces of fur).  Anyway, they'll be at it for a long time."

You continue the tour for the remainder of the afternoon.  Finally, 
exhausted, you return to the entrance gate.

"Well, I hope you have enjoyed the tour of level 12592 of Hell.  And 
remember, those fiends deserve their fate or worse.  Don't pity them.  
Instead, pity their victims -- those poor misguided Adventure game players
who can't kick their evil habits!", Fred concludes.

He shakes your hand, says good bye, opens the gate for you to leave and then
locks it behind you.  You find yourself back outside the gate to Hell.  Fred
disappears down the path on the other side.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 73
Ding! Dong!.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 74
You step on to the stairs and begin to climb up.  It seems like a very easy
climb and you don't even have to pause to rest.  You notice that it seems to
get cooler as you climb.  Finally, you reach the top of the stairs almost
refreshed for your little bout of exercise.  (One of the wonders of Adventure
Games is that they need not be logical, consistent or fair.  Sometimes, this
works to the player's advantage -- as now.)

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 75
What are you some kind of fiend?  The last time I checked, you were an
adventurer -- not an undertaker.  The $ADJECTIVE$ $NOUN$ is dead!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 76
What are you some kind of fiend?  The $ADJECTIVE$ $NOUN$ is already dead!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 77
Attacking with your bare hands or feet is worse than not doing anything 
at all - you can slip and fall under the sumo.  Bring a weapon next game.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 78
The sumo, in a great rage, accidentally sits on himself.  Needless to say, he
dies.  Nice work.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 79
The sumo sits on you.  He had chili for lunch.  You can guess what happens.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 80
You're still recovering from the last round.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 81
Pretty sad case.  You slip and fall, and barely avoid the sumo as he tries to
sit on you.  By the way, you're also stunned.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 82
Nice move.  When you fired the gun, it ricocheted and almost hit you.  Lucky.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 83
All right!  Your gun jams!  Too bad, you won't be able to attack quite yet.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 84
The shot from your gun ricochets all around the room, and finally hits the
sumo for minimal damage.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 85
The shot scares the pants off the sumo.  Embarrassed, he turns around and 
puts them back on.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 86
The shot hits the sumo squarely.  He starts to cry.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 87
Your shot is perfect.  The sumo is hit right in the forehead.  However, he
has a fairly thick skull.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 88
You want to $VERB$ $NOUN$?  You must be some kind of fruit cake!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 89
The sumo, trying to avoid looking at your face, doesn't attack.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 90
The sumo tries to sit on you, but instead misses and lands on a tack.  Ouch!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 91
The sumo is still thinking about whether to step with his right or left foot
first, so he doesn't attack.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 92
The sumo tries to sit on you.  However, you dive away and land on a sharp
rock.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 93
The sumo falls down, and in the subsequent earthquake you are trying to keep
your balance.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 94
The sumo holds up a mirror.  You choke and gasp for air for a minute or two.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 95
The sumo sits on you, but before the second is up you escape.  Every bone in
your body is broken.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 96
Attacking with your bare hands or feet is worse than not doing anything 
at all - you can slip and he can tax you on that.  Bring a weapon next game.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 97
The collector has a fit when he doesn't have anything to tax.  He
compulsively taxes himself, and has a major heart attack.  He was a nice
fellow away from the job, too.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 98
Oh well.  With a yell of triumph, the collector screams and hurls a mountain
of tax claims at you.  Guess what.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 99
Nice move.  You shoot at the collector, but he taxes you on aiming the gun!
You decide not to fire - who knows how much that costs!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 100
All right.  When you fire your gun, it ricochets off a pile of old taxes and
almost kills you.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 101
The shot hits the collector and wounds him, but disappears before it can be
taxed or do more damage.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 102
The collector gets scared when he can't tax you on anything.  He dives under
a pile of tax forms to avoid your shot.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 103
Beautiful shot.  You wasted a pile of forms, and the collector screams in
pain.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 104
Your perfect shot destroys a pile of papers and blows a hole in the
collector.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 105
The collector, organizing his forms, doesn't attack.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 106
The collector tries to throw a property tax at you, but you don't own
anything.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 107
He tries to tax you on your possessions, but you stole them.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 108
The collector tries to slap an ugly tax on you, but then you show him a
picture of himself.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 109
The collector taxes you on not having a brain.  You disagree, but then you
clean out your ear and your head caves in.  Maybe he has a point.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 110
The collector pushes over a stack of papers.  They land on you.  Painful.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 111
The collector taxes you on `Every breath you take, every move you make...'
- and he'll be watching you.  You make like Hitler.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 112
No way, Jose!  Ha ha!  No, I won't help.  For help, make out a check for $500
to David Malmberg (or better yet -- Cash), and send it to him.  Help will
arrive in the mail.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 207
The window is smashed, but wide enough for you to get through.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 206
It's just an ordinary little house, all locked up.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 113
When you try to take it, the vault disappears.  This vault does its job
well!!!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 205
There is no more pot left to smoke -- sorry!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 204
You can't see any pot here.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 203
With what do you wish to light it?  Your dragon breath?
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 114
You strike up a match and start smoking a joint of pot.  After a few
lung-fulls, you get very high and will stay so for about 10 turns.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 202
Unfortunately, that was your last joint of pot.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 115
There are no more matches left.  Too bad, buddy.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 201
As you strike the match, the gas in the room explodes and guess what happens.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 116
That was your last match.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 200
You strike a match which glows brightly and then goes out.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 199
You know, that's impossible to do without candles.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 198
You light the candle which glows brightly and then goes out.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 197
Unfortunately, that was your last candle.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 196
Aaaahhhhhhhhh!  That was really nice!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 195
Sorry, but the guitar is hopelessly out of tune.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 117
He doesn't seem to be interested.  What a lousy salesman you'd make!!!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 118
My we're feeling violent today!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 194
You must be blind as a bat!  It is right in front of your nose, turkey!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 193
Sorry, but it is impossible to $VERB$ the $NOUN$, turkey!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 192
I just told you what you could hear. Are you deaf or what?
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 191
You hear nothing specific.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 119
This is a bank vault, not a trophy case to store odds and ends.  Only
valuable stuff, please.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 120
As you put the treasure in the bank vault, a voice booms out: `Well done!
You have collected #VAR6# treasure(s) so far out of a total of 13.'
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 121
As you put the last treasure in the bank vault, it closes and disappears
behind a painting.  Just then, a booming voice says: `You have completed
your quest in PORK I, worthy one!

However, because this voice is so amazingly loud, it starts an earthquake.
A crack opens up in the earth, and you fall into the land of PORK II !!!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 190
The grue steps into the vault and then steps out again.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 189
You haven't got the $NOUN$.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 122
A voice booms out, 'Leave the !@%^&ing $NOUN$ alone, turkey!'
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 188
I just told you what it said, buddy!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 187
A voice booms out, 'You'll have to find the !@%^&ing batteries, turkey!'
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 186
Sorry, but '$VERB$' doesn't work in this game.  Nice try, however!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 185
What do you mean 'OOPS'?.  Can't you type and/or spell?
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 123
A mean, cruel, small, sadistic, and all around bad-kind-of-guy tax collector
walks into the room, and taxes you on paying taxes.  He carries off all your
valuables in exchange for not being taxed.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 184
Your lamp has just gone out.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 124
It is pitch black.  You can't see your hand in front of your face.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 125
In the dark you are likely to be eaten by a gruesome Grue.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 126
You hear a rustling sound behind you.  Then you are grabbed from behind and
lifted off your feet.  You fight back -- but without success.

A A a a a a a a a r r r r r r r g g g g h h h h h h ! ! ! !

You are being carried off by a Grue.  Your life will soon be over.  What a
terrible way to die -- eaten by a Grue!  You finally pass out from fear.

Time passes. . . . .and passes. . . . . and passes . . . . . . . . . .

You finally awake and when you recover your senses, you find the Grue has
just lifted your arm up to his mouth and he is licking your hand.  Perhaps
this is his way of preparing his food.  He licks some more and then begins
to make a purring-like sound.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 183
It is too dangerous to move around in the dark!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 127
The Grue says 'If your going to wander around the land of PORK, you had better
learn to carry plenty of spare batteries for your lantern.  Here, let me fix
you up.'  With that, he puts some new batteries in your lantern and sets the
lantern down.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 182
You hear the distant sound of breaking glass.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 181
The infamous Grue scurries along close at your heels.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 180
The little green frog hops along behind you.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 179
Oh .... oh.... your head hurts....what a terrible headache....
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 178
The pot wears off.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 177
You are feeling pretty wasted.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 176
You are getting tired.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 175
You are very tired now.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 128
You finally fall from exhaustion.  Unfortunately, the boogie man eats you
in your sleep.  What a way to go!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 174
Because you're so high, you don't notice the fatal reek in here.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 129
Time flies like an arrow.  However, fruit flies like bananas.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 130
Reality is for people who can't face science fiction.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 131
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 132
A penny saved is ridiculous.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 133
No problem is so formidable that you can't just run away from it.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 134
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 135
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 136
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form
of misery.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 137
Grues really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup or ketchup -- which ever
spelling you prefer).
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 138
Nuke the Whales!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 139
More people have died in Teddy Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 140
Remember, the fact that you're paranoid doesn't mean they're NOT out to get
you!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 141
I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 142
Eschew Obfuscation!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 143
F U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 144
God did not create the world in seven days.  He partied for six and then
pulled an all-nighter.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 145
Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 146
If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 147
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some
of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 148
Be alert!  We needs more lerts.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 149
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 150
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 151
Nothing improves with age.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 152
You've got to kiss a lot of ugly frogs before you find your handsome prince
(or princess).
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 153
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 154
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 155
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 156
Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 157
This adventure game was created using the Adventure Game Toolkit.

A BRIEF OVERVIEW OF THE ADVENTURE GAME TOOLKIT

The ADVENTURE GAME TOOLKIT (AGT) is designed to allow a game designer/writer to
create and play his/her own high-quality text adventure games.  Once created,
these adventure games can be shared with and enjoyed by others -- even if they
do not have a copy of the Adventure Game Toolkit themselves.  Using AGT the
game developer can create two distinct levels of adventure games:

    STANDARD LEVEL games that require no programming experience (honestly!!),
    only a fertile imagination.  These Standard Level games only require that
    the game designer/writer generates the game using a word processor or text
    editor to describe the various locations, objects and results of actions
    that collectively make up the game.

    PROFESSIONAL LEVEL games that also make use of AGT's special adventure game
    metalanguage to create games as complex and rich as the game designer's
    imagination and prose style will allow.  These games should be technically
    comparable with the published text adventure games from firms like
    Infocom.

FEATURES OF THE ADVENTURE GAME TOOLKIT

AGT has a number of features that make it a very comprehensive adventure game
creation product.  Some of these key features are:

   *     "Look and feel" of Infocom adventure games with similar screen layout
         and standard vocabulary and routines.

   *     Large standard vocabulary with potential to define many more words
         unique to a specific adventure.  Typical games can have a vocabulary
         of 400 words or more.

   *     Sophisticated parser that can understand (1) complex input commands
         including pronouns (IT, HIM, HER, THEM, MY and ITS), and (2) compound
         commands separated by AND or THEN or punctuation symbols, and (3)
         commands addressed to characters within the game.  Here are a few
         examples of commands AGT can handle with ease:

              GET THE FLASH LIGHT AND THEN SWITCH IT ON
              PUT ON THE CLOAK, THEN EXAMINE IT; READ ITS LABEL
              PLACE THE GREEN ROCK AND THE SMALL PEBBLE BEHIND THE TREE
              ENTER THE HOUSE; GET ALL; EXIT; SOUTH; SOUTH THEN DOWN
              SULU, SET A COURSE FOR ALPHA 14
              SCOTTY, BEAM DOWN A TRICORDER AND THE QWERTY MODULE
              DROP THE FOOD, THE KEY AND THE BOTTLE THEN UNLOCK THE DOOR WITH
                   THE BRASS KEY AND THEN LEAVE

   *     Function and cursor keys predefined to input frequently used commands
         and move directions.

   *     SCRIPT and UNSCRIPT commands to echo game output to printer.

   *     Total compatibility with the last version of Generic Adventure Game
         System (GAGS version 1.07) and GAGS' large established library of
         text adventures.  GAGS was the precursor to AGT.

TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THE ADVENTURE GAME TOOLKIT

Look for a file named AGTBLURB.TXT on this disk or the place/service where you
got this disk.  This file is a short description of the features of the
ADVENTURE GAME TOOLKIT.  This file presents an overview of AGT's special
metalanguage for creating PROFESSIONAL LEVEL games, plus presents a complete
STANDARD LEVEL adventure created without any programming.

HOW TO GET THE LATEST VERSION OF THE ADVENTURE GAME TOOLKIT AND SAMPLE GAMES

For only $20.00 you can be a "registered" user and receive the latest version
of AGT plus the source code for this adventure game and others just as good.
Registered users can also order a printed AGT manual that reveals many of the
secrets of the "Great Adventure Masters" for creating clever and fun adventure
games.  Registered users can also order the Turbo PASCAL source code for AGT
for only $50.00!

Just write or call:

    Softworks
    43064 Via Moraga
    Mission San Jose, California  94539

    VISA or MasterCard accepted for telephone orders
    (415) 659-0533   12:00 Noon to 9:00 PM -- PST only

If you wish to learn more AGT products and prices, just enter the command:

PRINT ORDER FORM

(By the way, this will be the last time you get this blatant advertisement.)

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 158
Listen buddy, this is really a fantastic adventure so I'll give you another
chance.  Do you really really really really want to quit?
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 159

Thank you for playing PORK!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 160
I didn't think you really wanted to quit!

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 173
Your score qualifies you to the title of 'Dainty Eater'.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 172
Your score qualifies you to the title of 'Gourmet'.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 171
Your score qualifies you to the title of 'Snobby Gourmet'.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 170
Your score qualifies you to the title of 'Professional Gourmet'.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 169
Your score qualifies you to the title of 'Food Critic'.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 168
Your score qualifies you to the title of 'French Chef'.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 167
Your score qualifies you to the title of 'Average Piggo'.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 166
Your score qualifies you to the title of 'Ill-mannered Slob'.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 165
Your score qualifies you to the title of 'Human Garbage Disposal'.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 164
Your score qualifies you to the title of 'Human Vacuum Cleaner'.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 163
Your score qualifies you to the title of 'PORKer'.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 162
Your score qualifies you to the title of 'Master PORKer'.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 161
Place your $500$ bill in the plastic case with the corner containing
 #VAR8# under the *, and read off the value in the outlined box.
Then repeat the RESTORE command with this number eg RESTORE 122.
END_MESSAGE

